Partners and Marriage

Let me share to you an email I received from a dear friend (thanks Bevs!) re:  Partners and Marriage.  I suppose she sent it as I am one of the many impatient brides who dreams of "a happy ever after"...hehe!  But praise God for this article as it will help any single person contemplating on marriage...kind of long so I won’t be writing much for this particular blog but it’s worth reading it.  PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives. When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other? The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages. Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together. The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality. This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together. After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to brief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other. Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood. There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates. So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe. Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter. But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains. But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex. So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom.

 
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Opposites Attract...Compatibility is Best...Does It Really Matter?

          Today, 4^th of November, is the 32^nd wedding anniversary of my parents.  And I am so proud and blessed to say that despite the numerous trials our family had and problems they encountered as a couple, they are still together.  Our relationship as a family isn’t perfect especially that of my parents as my dad and mom are very opposite in many ways...except for the looks (they’re both good looking...just look at their children! Hehe!)  They are one of the many examples of “opposite attracts.”  However, no matter how wearisome it must have been for them accepting their differences and countless shortcomings, SEPARATION WAS NEVER AN OPTION.  Their commitment to love and incessant forgiveness made them come this far.  More so, I believe that their love for God primarily which they found in marriage bonded them even more.

          I also know of a young couple who is so compatible that they play one of the best music you can hear in this generation – ate Agat and kuya Jojo – the Brevs’ voice supervisor and Music Director respectively.  It is always a joy to visit and see them work together at their own home.  They share the same interests and have same goals.  They work as a team while enjoying the company of their only daughter and lovable retriever golden retriever.  The best, however, is their good hearts and their dedication in offering their work for the Lord.  We are inspired and learn a lot from them.

          Opposites or not, does it really matter?  What matters most  is that for those who are deciding to take the vocation of a married life should always put a big weight on a relationship that will lead them to a deeper relationship with God—together.  It is also not enough that a partner is supportive of the other’s dream.  The dream should be SHARED between the two so they have the same direction in life...making them inseparable and having a deeper emotional why in achieving it.  Furthermore, the dream should lead them again to God.  And, it is only when God is the center and Head of the family will a marriage work for a lifetime. It has to be a spiritual family first and foremost.   I like what Robert Kiyosaki mentioned in his book, Rich Brother Rich Sister:

“Family number two is our spiritual family, the family that draws us with its call, the promise of acceptance, true understanding, and happiness.  It is a community in which we know the power of unconditional love and find that which we know, in our hearts, is missing from our life.

Our spiritual family is our true home, an environment where we can live the life we are born to live and gain the perspective and ability to accept and appreciate other thoughts and points of view.  There are many paths to finding your spiritual family:  marriage, education, religion, career, friends, teachers, and even crisis and despair.

Finding your spiritual family in marriage is finding your soul mate.  There is no more powerful union than two people who find each other to share another life together.  As we all know, divorce rates are high.  While there are many and varied reasons for divorce, one is loneliness – the loneliness and emptiness of being married to a person who is not your soul mate.  There is a big difference between loving your spouse or partner and loving a soul mate.

Many people search for—but few ever find—their second family, their spiritual family.”

IN SEARCH OF TRUE LOVE?

First Story...

I had a chubby but pretty friend who had a lot of suitors.  She wasn’t interested in dating the first four guys who came trying to win her.  But there was a handsome former model who, to her surprise, expressed his intention of courting her.  After three days, she could not say no to his proposal.  She was like in cloud 9...as if she won a lottery.  It was like a dream come true having a prince look-a-like.  It was like a victorious revenge to her ex-boyfriend who left her for a younger girl.  However, one of our friends tested to ask her, “what if he was somebody who is physically challenged or maybe he did not look like prince charming, could you say you love him still?”  At that, she closed her eyes and tears fell off.  She honestly knew that it was all physical attraction but she decided to go on with the relationship and put so much effort trying to learn to love as much as her former.  Unfortunately, though she learned to love him for quite a long time, she only managed to love some of his qualities and the relationship turned out to be toxic for both of them. 

Another Story...

Just the other Sunday, I got glued to watching Rated K by Korina Sanchez as it featured a couple who are still both alive in their old age – they were just 100 years old—maybe physically weak but strengthened so much by their love.  You will certainly find yourself smiling as to how they acted like newly weds...sweet!  It also featured a couple who was tested by a rare disease due to kidney failure.  The wife used to be a beauty queen but now is unrecognizable as her body slowly decreased in size while her face totally deformed.  Yet the touching scenario is how his husband takes good care of her with all fidelity, patience, and love.  Her family and friends love her so much despite her unsightly physique.  This makes her fight to survive and appreciate life.   And just yesterday, we attended the 34^th wedding anniversary of the parents of our dear friends.  The celebration of the Holy Eucharist was accompanied by their renewal of vows that left us teary eyed as the couple is a great example of an enduring love since they exchanged their “I Do’s” 34 years ago.  Our friends’ father has been suffering from an ailment relative to Parkinson’s disease while his wife unwearyingly attended to her husband’s needs as well as the whole family.  All of these they willingly bore for the sake of love.

                These three couples have given us hope in this world where the term love has been abused and misused.  They have exemplified that more than the superb overwhelming emotions that love gives, there are people who are still willing to commit to love.

                Ah yes!  Commitment to love – this is true love.  Most people nowadays are victims of a love that are concentrated on a pack of emotions and when the feelings are gone, hurting each other is inevitable leaving them broken...wounded...shattered...lifeless.  Many would come to me (and I also personally experienced such) telling me how they could not live without the love of their life or that they were promised forever but because of some simple faults (maybe like snoring or wrong wardrobe? Hehe!) or because somebody prettier or seemingly better comes, that they were dumped. 

                 

                Good thing I came across an article of Bo Sanchez that might help you realize if what you are feeling or having is true love or simply...infatuation.  Let me quote some of the differences he mentioned on his blog, “Is Your Love Genuine or Fake?” (you can read on his complete article via www.bosanchez.ph)

Spot The Difference

1.    Infatuation doesn’t require a decision. It just happens. You see a girl and boom—your hormones kick in and you want her. You don’t know why. It’s her dress. It’s the way her hair falls on her shoulder. It’s her smile. It’s the way she bites her fingernail. That’s why I said that pirated versions are free. But Real Love doesn’t just happen; Real Love requires a decision. That’s why Scott Peck says Real Love can only start after one has “fallen out of love.”

2.    Infatuation, no matter what you do, lasts only for a season. You have these feelings of love swirling within you until something happens that breaks the spell. Maybe she’ll open her mouth. Maybe she’ll reveal her fangs. Maybe she’ll pick her nose. Maybe she’ll spend your money. Maybe she’ll introduce you to her mother. Maybe she gains 30 pounds. It could be anything. Infatuation can last for a few days or for a couple of years. But Real Love can last forever precisely because it’s a decision.

3.    Infatuation is directed towards a figment of your imagination. You’re not attracted to a real person. You’re attracted to a projection of that person from your own imagination. Like Infatuation itself, you’re in love with a fake. But Real Love is directed towards a real person. You now know her strengths and weaknesses, and have accepted it all.

4.    Infatuation is a spontaneous collapse of your boundaries. You get lost and you merge with the other. You’re enmeshed. You can’t survive without each other. But Real Love requires strengthening of both your boundaries; You actually don’t need each other, but you choose each other because you want to serve.

5. Infatuation is all about feelings. Dubdub. Dubdub. Dubdub. Cold palms, giddy spells, dazed looks, and feet on the clouds. But Real Love is about dirty hands. You don’t have to feel anything to love. Love is a verb, not just a feeling. Love is an action, not just a state. Let me repeat my message: I believe love is about dirty hands, not beating hearts. The essence of love isn’t feelings but service. Scott Peck says it so well—the opposite of love isn’t hatred; the opposite of love is laziness.

                There you go!  Maybe that would wake you up a bit.  It’s not that we ignore the wonderful feelings of being in love as this is also very important.  The thing is, I have also learned that once you have those feelings, immediately offer it to God and ask for the grace not to go deeper if the person is not the one.  Attraction is so easy but that’s where maturity comes in.  You have to discern if you have feelings to a person because of some qualities he/she may possess at the moment or if you love the person because of his/her totality.  No exceptions.  You can accept his or her every strength and weakness.  Bo says,

“I’ve found out that only mature people can love. Only mature people can do the great switcheroo when the pirated copy fails. They just pull out the genuine article.

Why? Only mature people have love within them.

Real Love has very little to do with the other person. A loving person can love because he is a loving person, not because the other person is lovable.”

Crucified to Love (the struggle of Clara)

                “AAAAArrrrrrgggggggghhhh!”   

                “How much can you still take?”

                “Hey, can’t you see that I can’t take it anymore?  This pain is just the worst...no physical pain can ever compare to what I’m feeling within.  Why can’t I just sleep on it and wake up as if nothing happened?  Oh the heavens must have deserted me this time.  I can’t feel any consolation.”

                “Well, I thought you love the Lord?  Aren’t you willing to suffer more for the love of Him?  How much do you love Him?”

                ...and wham!  My friend got me gobsmacked after his last question.  Yeap!  You are so right!   I was the one complaining on how hurt I was...well, I still am but you won’t hear me whine this time.  :-D

                That was one of my many dark lonely desperate nights.  One of those which I wished I was dead due to the torture of emotions that could have driven me literally crazy – a mixture of anger, rejection, despair, self-pity, hopelessness, abandonment and betrayal.  I tried to pray and asked prayers from my circle of friends.  I was hoping for a miracle – a consolation from above.  I kept waiting and waiting...it was Good Friday for me.  Nightfall came and I was hopeless.  I thought the Lord would not answer me that day...until my friend dropped the bomb on me, “I thought you love the Lord?”

                After shedding buckets of tears, I found myself so ashamed while picking up the ashes of my shattered heart.  (such a pathetic scene)   Yes, I was in pain and it was all because of love.  However, knowing that no one else in this world should surpass our love for God made me stop and ponder.  “Is it really worth fighting for? Even if it seems like I’m on the losing end?  How long must I endure?”  I thought.  Then I reflected on my life.

                You see, I want the world to remember me as a person who loves God and who gave love unconditionally.  But the way I was acting was clearly not the person whom I pictured myself to be.  I figured I was too selfish to the point of trying to twist the arm of God to give me what (or who) I want.  I forgot that the reason I chose to love is because I loved God and I wanted to win people to His favour.  I wanted to bring souls to Him.  I forgot that in any relationship—and I mean any—it should always lead us to Jesus.  Hence, if a relationship would only mean making God secondary in our lives, then we need to check ourselves.

                Actually, I realized that the reason my life was in turmoil was because I just used God to win a human love.  I forgot that the reason why I was with the person was primarily because of God.  Got my point?  So that night, it seemed like a flash of light filled the room and gave me peace.  I recommitted myself to give unconditional love by first deciding to let go.  His words, "Whoever does not follow me carrying his own cross cannot be my disciple."(- Luke 14,27) echoed in my mind.  The decision to let go is just the first step and that is the same as carrying my cross.  And I have to do that on a daily basis (until now actually).

                Letting go for me is being crucified.  It means dying to oneself.  It means bleeding myself to death not knowing if I will still recover from my wounds.  However, if letting go also means to love God first and to obey His will, then by His grace, I have to follow for "He humbled himself by being obedient to death, death on the cross."( Philippians 2,8)  

                But of course, human as I am, I still wish for happy endings.  By being crucified, I believe that there is a resurrection.  I know by surrendering to His love, a great surprise awaits me.  So that night, I asked Him to help me renew my love for Him that "I may know him and experience the power of his resurrection and share in his sufferings and become like him in his death,"(Philippians 3,10.)  I believe He  allowed me to experience such pain so I may know how much He had to endure just to show us how much He loves us.  We may be unworthy of such but He did and still does it unconditionally.  He did everything He could when He was a man so we could gain heaven.  As His disciples we must do the same.  Hence, I think one of the reasons I am alive is to be an instrument of bringing my beloved to heaven no matter what status we are in. 

                We are called to love even though it may cause us pain.  It is painful because we are giving a big part of our self.  It is not giving if it does not hurt.  Nonetheless, to give is also to receive.  It is rewarding.  Love and pain...joy and suffering...they are all part of one package called Life.  Yet to really live means to be with God for He is Love.

P.S.  Easier said than done, of course.  But overcoming the pain with Jesus’ love in mind makes it easier and worth taking.  Continue loving! :-)

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Heart to Heart with Aynran

During my trip, I met Aynran in Cebu...a very loving person. Allow me to share to you one of our many fruitful chats.

brevcHacHi: Hi how are you? Excited for Valentine’s Day?

Aynran: haha! I’m good, thanks! Well, Valentine’s day is not actually very special day if every day you are always loving as best as you can.

brevcHacHi: Wow! I suppose you are so much in love then. Hmm...what is your secret? You must have a very successful love life.

Aynran: Love life? Of course. As long as you have the love of God in your heart, you will always be in love. He never lets you down no matter what. Anybody can leave you anytime but He will always be there.

brevcHacHi: Got your point...but how about a romantic love life?

Aynran: Well, mine was a complicated one. I used to love somebody who inspired me a lot. He was almost the ideal person I had in mind. I thought he loved me as much as I loved him. I almost gave up everything for him. But I was wrong. It turned out that I was just a victim of his so called weakness.

brevcHacHi: ouch! Good thing you were able to keep your sanity that time. I could have broken down if I were you.

Aynran: Well, that’s what you call grace. Hehe! It was indeed hard. I learned to get angry. I got angry at the world, at myself, at him, at the girls and polygamous men. It even came to a point of blaming God for allowing that to happen to me. I was inconsolable back then.

brevcHacHi: How were you able to recover?

Aynran: It was not easy. Though it took a while, blaming God did not really stay in my heart that long. Though I wanted to die due to the pain I had undergone, I kept telling myself that God had a purpose why I had to feel that. He wanted me to learn something. And that is putting Him still number one in my life and in any relationship that I will get myself involved with. I realized that the reason why our relationship got messed up was that I was so focused with my ex-partner than on what God wanted us to do. I learned that every relationship should lead us closer to God. Otherwise, it will not work out. From realizing that, I allowed myself to feel all the pain and surrendered them all to God. I asked forgiveness and asked Him to heal me. I asked Him to fill my heart again with His love. And finally, I asked Him the grace to forgive the most beloved one I had who crushed and seemingly almost ruined my life and faith. After my surrender to God, I felt a new hope; I regained my self-respect and my dignity; I knew that I still deserved to be loved; I found out that God is my true lover. That if I would have to give my whole heart, it has to be Him. And let Him be the One to give to the partner He has set aside for me so that I could grow more in love with Him. I did not need any sign. I needed Him alone to lead me.

brevcHacHi: So can you now claim that you are healed from your wounds?

Aynran: Yes, but of course the scars will always be there. I still hurt sometimes. I still feel the guilt and the jealousy that I was not preferred. But I merely feel those feelings and offer them to God. Healing is a lifetime process. It is also a decision to move on and be happy. What is rewarding in my experience is that I learned a lot especially on how to deal with the pains in life. It is simply having God as our real partner and putting Him above any creature on earth. I learned the deeper meaning of unconditional love. It involves forgiveness and being happy for those whom we love even if they hurt us the most. The good thing about forgiveness is that you are able to accept and look at that person straight in the eye with love as if nothing bad happened between the two of you. You could even maintain a good friendship just like before.

brevcHacHi: That is so inspiring. I learned a lot. This is worth sharing to the young people. Thank you so much. I believe God allowed you to go through those so you may enlighten others too. I hope you keep on loving. Next time ulit ha.

Aynran: Next time share me your story too. May love life ka rin ba? Hehe!





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3 Degrees of Love

1. Reached when one would rather die than undertake the least harmful action against another human being whatever the circumstance is.
2. Reached when one would rather die than utter the least harmful word against another human being whatever the circumstance is.
3. Reached when one would rather die than accept the least harmful thought against anyone whatever the circumstance is.




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