“AAAAArrrrrrgggggggghhhh!”
“How much can you still take?”
“Hey, can’t you see that I can’t take it anymore? This pain is just the worst...no physical pain can ever compare to what I’m feeling within. Why can’t I just sleep on it and wake up as if nothing happened? Oh the heavens must have deserted me this time. I can’t feel any consolation.”
“Well, I thought you love the Lord? Aren’t you willing to suffer more for the love of Him? How much do you love Him?”
...and wham! My friend got me gobsmacked after his last question. Yeap! You are so right! I was the one complaining on how hurt I was...well, I still am but you won’t hear me whine this time. :-D
That was one of my many dark lonely desperate nights. One of those which I wished I was dead due to the torture of emotions that could have driven me literally crazy – a mixture of anger, rejection, despair, self-pity, hopelessness, abandonment and betrayal. I tried to pray and asked prayers from my circle of friends. I was hoping for a miracle – a consolation from above. I kept waiting and waiting...it was Good Friday for me. Nightfall came and I was hopeless. I thought the Lord would not answer me that day...until my friend dropped the bomb on me, “I thought you love the Lord?”
After shedding buckets of tears, I found myself so ashamed while picking up the ashes of my shattered heart. (such a pathetic scene) Yes, I was in pain and it was all because of love. However, knowing that no one else in this world should surpass our love for God made me stop and ponder. “Is it really worth fighting for? Even if it seems like I’m on the losing end? How long must I endure?” I thought. Then I reflected on my life.
You see, I want the world to remember me as a person who loves God and who gave love unconditionally. But the way I was acting was clearly not the person whom I pictured myself to be. I figured I was too selfish to the point of trying to twist the arm of God to give me what (or who) I want. I forgot that the reason I chose to love is because I loved God and I wanted to win people to His favour. I wanted to bring souls to Him. I forgot that in any relationship—and I mean any—it should always lead us to Jesus. Hence, if a relationship would only mean making God secondary in our lives, then we need to check ourselves.
Actually, I realized that the reason my life was in turmoil was because I just used God to win a human love. I forgot that the reason why I was with the person was primarily because of God. Got my point? So that night, it seemed like a flash of light filled the room and gave me peace. I recommitted myself to give unconditional love by first deciding to let go. His words, "Whoever does not follow me carrying his own cross cannot be my disciple."(- Luke 14,27) echoed in my mind. The decision to let go is just the first step and that is the same as carrying my cross. And I have to do that on a daily basis (until now actually).
Letting go for me is being crucified. It means dying to oneself. It means bleeding myself to death not knowing if I will still recover from my wounds. However, if letting go also means to love God first and to obey His will, then by His grace, I have to follow for "He humbled himself by being obedient to death, death on the cross."( Philippians 2,8)
But of course, human as I am, I still wish for happy endings. By being crucified, I believe that there is a resurrection. I know by surrendering to His love, a great surprise awaits me. So that night, I asked Him to help me renew my love for Him that "I may know him and experience the power of his resurrection and share in his sufferings and become like him in his death,"(Philippians 3,10.) I believe He allowed me to experience such pain so I may know how much He had to endure just to show us how much He loves us. We may be unworthy of such but He did and still does it unconditionally. He did everything He could when He was a man so we could gain heaven. As His disciples we must do the same. Hence, I think one of the reasons I am alive is to be an instrument of bringing my beloved to heaven no matter what status we are in.
We are called to love even though it may cause us pain. It is painful because we are giving a big part of our self. It is not giving if it does not hurt. Nonetheless, to give is also to receive. It is rewarding. Love and pain...joy and suffering...they are all part of one package called Life. Yet to really live means to be with God for He is Love.
P.S. Easier said than done, of course. But overcoming the pain with Jesus’ love in mind makes it easier and worth taking. Continue loving! :-)
