First Story...I had a chubby but pretty friend who had a lot of suitors. She wasn’t interested in dating the first four guys who came trying to win her. But there was a handsome former model who, to her surprise, expressed his intention of courting her. After three days, she could not say no to his proposal. She was like in cloud 9...as if she won a lottery. It was like a dream come true having a prince look-a-like. It was like a victorious revenge to her ex-boyfriend who left her for a younger girl. However, one of our friends tested to ask her, “what if he was somebody who is physically challenged or maybe he did not look like prince charming, could you say you love him still?” At that, she closed her eyes and tears fell off. She honestly knew that it was all physical attraction but she decided to go on with the relationship and put so much effort trying to learn to love as much as her former. Unfortunately, though she learned to love him for quite a long time, she only managed to love some of his qualities and the relationship turned out to be toxic for both of them.
Another Story...
Just the other Sunday, I got glued to watching Rated K by Korina Sanchez as it featured a couple who are still both alive in their old age – they were just 100 years old—maybe physically weak but strengthened so much by their love. You will certainly find yourself smiling as to how they acted like newly weds...sweet! It also featured a couple who was tested by a rare disease due to kidney failure. The wife used to be a beauty queen but now is unrecognizable as her body slowly decreased in size while her face totally deformed. Yet the touching scenario is how his husband takes good care of her with all fidelity, patience, and love. Her family and friends love her so much despite her unsightly physique. This makes her fight to survive and appreciate life. And just yesterday, we attended the 34th wedding anniversary of the parents of our dear friends. The celebration of the Holy Eucharist was accompanied by their renewal of vows that left us teary eyed as the couple is a great example of an enduring love since they exchanged their “I Do’s” 34 years ago. Our friends’ father has been suffering from an ailment relative to Parkinson’s disease while his wife unwearyingly attended to her husband’s needs as well as the whole family. All of these they willingly bore for the sake of love.
These three couples have given us hope in this world where the term love has been abused and misused. They have exemplified that more than the superb overwhelming emotions that love gives, there are people who are still willing to commit to love.
Ah yes! Commitment to love – this is true love. Most people nowadays are victims of a love that are concentrated on a pack of emotions and when the feelings are gone, hurting each other is inevitable leaving them broken...wounded...shattered...lifeless. Many would come to me (and I also personally experienced such) telling me how they could not live without the love of their life or that they were promised forever but because of some simple faults (maybe like snoring or wrong wardrobe? Hehe!) or because somebody prettier or seemingly better comes, that they were dumped.
Good thing I came across an article of Bo Sanchez that might help you realize if what you are feeling or having is true love or simply...infatuation. Let me quote some of the differences he mentioned on his blog, “Is Your Love Genuine or Fake?” (you can read on his complete article via www.bosanchez.ph)
Spot The Difference
1. Infatuation doesn’t require a decision. It just happens. You see a girl and boom—your hormones kick in and you want her. You don’t know why. It’s her dress. It’s the way her hair falls on her shoulder. It’s her smile. It’s the way she bites her fingernail. That’s why I said that pirated versions are free. But Real Love doesn’t just happen; Real Love requires a decision. That’s why Scott Peck says Real Love can only start after one has “fallen out of love.”
2. Infatuation, no matter what you do, lasts only for a season. You have these feelings of love swirling within you until something happens that breaks the spell. Maybe she’ll open her mouth. Maybe she’ll reveal her fangs. Maybe she’ll pick her nose. Maybe she’ll spend your money. Maybe she’ll introduce you to her mother. Maybe she gains 30 pounds. It could be anything. Infatuation can last for a few days or for a couple of years. But Real Love can last forever precisely because it’s a decision.
3. Infatuation is directed towards a figment of your imagination. You’re not attracted to a real person. You’re attracted to a projection of that person from your own imagination. Like Infatuation itself, you’re in love with a fake. But Real Love is directed towards a real person. You now know her strengths and weaknesses, and have accepted it all.
4. Infatuation is a spontaneous collapse of your boundaries. You get lost and you merge with the other. You’re enmeshed. You can’t survive without each other. But Real Love requires strengthening of both your boundaries; You actually don’t need each other, but you choose each other because you want to serve.
5. Infatuation is all about feelings. Dubdub. Dubdub. Dubdub. Cold palms, giddy spells, dazed looks, and feet on the clouds. But Real Love is about dirty hands. You don’t have to feel anything to love. Love is a verb, not just a feeling. Love is an action, not just a state. Let me repeat my message: I believe love is about dirty hands, not beating hearts. The essence of love isn’t feelings but service. Scott Peck says it so well—the opposite of love isn’t hatred; the opposite of love is laziness.
There you go! Maybe that would wake you up a bit. It’s not that we ignore the wonderful feelings of being in love as this is also very important. The thing is, I have also learned that once you have those feelings, immediately offer it to God and ask for the grace not to go deeper if the person is not the one. Attraction is so easy but that’s where maturity comes in. You have to discern if you have feelings to a person because of some qualities he/she may possess at the moment or if you love the person because of his/her totality. No exceptions. You can accept his or her every strength and weakness. Bo says,
“I’ve found out that only mature people can love. Only mature people can do the great switcheroo when the pirated copy fails. They just pull out the genuine article.
Why? Only mature people have love within them.
Real Love has very little to do with the other person. A loving person can love because he is a loving person, not because the other person is lovable.”
